Even the bartender felt bad for me
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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