I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
