mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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