Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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