I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
