"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
