My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
