I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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