How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
