Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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