Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
