omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
