Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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