Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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