fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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