He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
