I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
