My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
