Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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