I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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