The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
