You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
