I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
