my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm šš»š
We are so blessed
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
My boss couldnāt find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. Iām very much okay with this
Randomize
