I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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