Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
