ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
