I bet he comes in French.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
