i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
