Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
