i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
