I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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