dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
