youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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