11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
