Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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