another moral hangover. fuck.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
