I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
