You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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