Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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