Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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