I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
