What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Randomize
