Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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