Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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