don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
