Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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