Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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