she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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