grandma shit on top of the toilet
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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