your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
