I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We have so much sex to catch up on
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
