he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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